Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Problem: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Problem: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to gents’ room, practice in mirror.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Problem: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Problem: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.
Symptom: Floor blurred.
Problem: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you yet another beer.
Symptom: Floor moving.
Problem: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Problem: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself leashed to bar.
Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Problem: You have fallen forward through the door.
Action: See above.
Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Problem: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.