Credit Crunchers

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Q: What’s the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.
The car’s been repossessed.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can’t sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

Overheard in a City bar: “This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: “insufficient funds.”
Do they mean me or them?

Alliance & Leicester employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: “No one expects the Spanish Acquisition.”

You know it’s a credit crunch when:

• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
• There’s a ‘buy one, get one free’ offer – on banks.
• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
• Highgrove has been repossessed.
• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
• Alistair Darling’s eyebrows have turned white.

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me a copy outside Boots yesterday.

What’s the capital of Iceland?
About £3.50.

A man went to his bank manager and said: “I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?”

“Simple,” said the bank manager. “Buy a big one and wait 6 months.”

Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: “Goodbye.”

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch.
It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.


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