Language of the 2008 Workplace

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Tom, he’s the alpha geek around here.”

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy:
The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Depotphobia:
Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Elvis Year:
The peak year of something’s or someone’s popularity. “Barney the Dinosaur’s Elvis year was 1993.”

Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Mouse Potato:
The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a big mistake.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

Seagull Manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps over everything and then leaves.

SITCOMs:
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Tourists:
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm:- “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” (See also Decruitment.)

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

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