Alfred E Newman Quotes

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!

A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice-versa!

A kiss is valid proof that 2 heads are better than 1!

A lawyer is someone who writes a 40-page document and calls it a brief!

A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no-one gets offended when you pick your nose!

A sense of humour is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

After all is said and done, there’s always a lot more said than done!

America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.

Blood is thicker than water… but it makes lousy lemonade!

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for.

Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are?

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but not to win the lottery?

Germs attack people where they’re weakest- which is why there are so many head colds!

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, and stealing from many is research?

How come we choose from just 2 people for president and 50 for Miss America?

If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!

In retrospect its clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!

It takes one to know one- and vice-versa!

It’s a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again!

Marriage is like drugs to some people; they keep taking one dope after another!

Most minds are like concrete… all mixed up and permanently set!

Most of don’t know what we want, but we’re pretty sure we don’t have it!

Most people are so lazy that they don’t even exercise good judgement!

Most people are to lazy to open the door when opportunity knocks!

Most people don’t act stupid: it’s the real thing!

Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!

Nowadays, an after dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check!

Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!

Parents supporting their kids in college get poorer by degrees!

Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out!

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they’re not treated like adults

Teenagers are people who act like babies if they’re not treated like adults!

Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question Paper or Plastic now refers to many Americans’ sleeping conditions!

The first thing a man notices about a woman… depends on which way she’s going!

The only advantage to living in the past are the rents are much cheaper!

The reason many people are lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory!

The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them!

The U.N is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!

The ups and downs of the economy are the result of having elected too many yo-yos!

These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar.

These days, the problem with many neighbourhoods is that there are more hoods than neighbours!

Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for around10 grand, he’ll show you the door!

Too often, people who want to offer sound advise give more sound than advice!

When you’re in deep water it’s a good idea to keep your mouth shut!

Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

You know the Honeymoons over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!

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