English – A Strange Language Part 20 – Modern Meanings

Coffee:
The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted:
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate:
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade:
To attempt an explanation whilst drunk.

Willy-Nilly:
Impotent.

Negligent:
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph:    
To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle:
Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence:
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash:
A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle:
A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude:
The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon:
A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster:
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism:
The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent:
An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Cashtration:
The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for quarter of a century.

Ignoranus:
A person who’s both stupid and an ass.

Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you remember that it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.

Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon:
It’s like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.

Decafalon:
The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido:
All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit:
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug:
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor:
The colour you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

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