My ASBO

First of all may I thank you for coming here today to celebrate the award of my ASBO.

I am so proud to see representation here from a number of different television companies, newspapers and magazines.

When it was first suggested that I was to be nominated for an ASBO you can only imagine the thrill I felt.

Being a bit of a slow starter I must admit that I was already 59 before I was first arrested and got my details on the Police computer and had my DNA sample taken.

True enough I had led a simple life until the incident that got me arrested.

But things did change after that once my DNA sample threw up likely matches with some unsolved crimes and, naturally, they had to investigate the murders.

The bodies apparently had not been found and the Police had to arrest me and dig up my patio and my lawn and my vegetable patch and all the shrubs and plants in my garden’s borders.

Of course, the only body they found was that of our Labrador, Jet. They let me out of prison so that I could redo the garden I had worked on for the past eighteen years.

I cannot tell you how pleased I was to have the opportunity to re-landscape my garden!

The Police also kindly gave me protection against some petty thieves who had been robbing houses in our road by putting my house under 24 hour surveillance. It was also good to know that wherever I went the police were watching me and I was safe from being mugged again.

The second time I was arrested was that child molestation case. Fortunately, as the police had been watching my every move for the past three months the CPS found it hard to put together a case against me, though they did take the precaution of putting my name down on the paedophile register.

I see the Sunday News representative is here today. May I again thank you for publishing my name and address in your newspaper. It was so good having all those fans coming to see me in my home environment.

And so to the purpose of today’s press conference.

I would like to thank the Borough Council for the ASBO which you have kindly awarded me. But before I conclude I just want to say one thing. I was simply returning the bricks that people were throwing at my windows.

But have you people actually considered that there might be a slight error made here?

Maybe just maybe you might just be mistaken. Just because my DNA looked like that of a couple of criminals it does not mean I am either or both of those criminals. Perhaps we should look at facts, not just at assumptions made by an “expert” witness.

Copyright © Stuart Danton 2007

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