A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”

“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.

“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forget.”

Look out for my son

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They are each speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in pose and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…

“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking blonde became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

At this she went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

The older I get, the less I know

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand there.

If a wise man contends with a foolish man, whether the fool rages or laughs, there is no peace.

While you are sitting around holding a grudge, others are out dancing.

Truer words were never spoken. I’ve used this philosophy in difficult endeavours, and it works.

A wise man is the master of his mind; a fool is its slave.

One must attempt the ridiculous, if he expects to achieve the impossible.

The one valuable lesson I’ve learned in my life is that there are still more valuable lessons to be learned.

If at first you don’t succeed you should destroy all the evidence that you ever tried. That way you won’t have any reminders of your failure to keep you from trying again.

The key to happiness in life is not getting everything you want, but wanting everything you get.

Life has taught me that if you have no project, you will have no progress.

It is the motivation with which a truth is professed that validates its genuineness or not.

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Life is a journey, not a destination. Live and learn and make mistakes.

Nothing good comes easy.

Every bad thing has a good side. You just have to look for it.

Being bitter is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.

No matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

If you pursue happiness, it will elude you; but if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

Whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

Every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch — holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I still have a lot to learn.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.*

You shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

Life sometimes gives you a second chance.

Making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”

Regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plough on the left.

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it; read all about it. Special Edition, Fifty people swindled!”

“Fifty people swindled?” A Curios man walked over, bought the specially priced newspaper, and said, “Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, “Read all about it, all read all about it. Special Edition; Fifty-one people swindled!”

Looking for love I sent my picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back today, “We are sorry, but nobody is that lonely.”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

One evening, Goldie Markowitz left dinner in the oven for a little bit too long and the kitchen filled with smoke — the smoke detector went off. Goldie searched the house for her children only to find them in the bathroom, washing their hands.

Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, Goldie asked them to identify the sound.

“It’s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison.

“Do you know what that sound means?” Goldie demanded.

“Sure,” they replied. “Dinner’s ready.”

An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue, built a Sukkah on his balcony.

Some of his ‘high society’ non-Jewish neighbours brought him to court. They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighbourhood.

In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements, in case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah.

He prayed for help….. and God listened.

Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very wise man. (“A yidisher kop”). After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and scolded him: “Don’t you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut, or I will fine you one thousand dollars.

You have exactly eight days to do so!”

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. He starts with certain basic items.

“How much do you weigh?” he asks.

“65 kg,” she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 85kg.

The doctor asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.

He then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” she screams: “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

Thought I’d let my doctor check me,
‘Cos I didn’t feel quite right.

All those aches and pains annoyed me.
And I couldn’t sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn’t let it rest.

What with NHS and BUPA,
We could do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn’t feel that bad.

He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.

Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,

While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,

And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.

What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars:

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead?

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation – “What can we learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the sermon.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barkeeper, “Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please”.

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

“Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?”

Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the barkeeper. “Wonderful country. The history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. ” Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England ?” asks the barkeeper.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.” The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

“I’d be honoured,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the insect; some days you’re the windscreen.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“…or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his consultant.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors.

“The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in a motor accident; the second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet and, the third donor is an elderly lawyer who died after having practiced law for over 40 years. Which do you want?”

After some careful thought, the patient replied, “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart.”

After the successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer’s heart.

“It is simple,” he explained the patient “I wanted a heart that hadn’t ever been used.”

Teacher: “Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?”

Peter: “Because they had so many knights.”

Guy: “Is you dad still in jail?”

Girl: “For what?”

Guy: “For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!”

Teacher: “Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
Cindy: “You told me to do it without using tables!”

Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one, “I’ve lost an electron!”
The 2nd atom replies, “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

Did you hear about the cannibals that attended a wedding? They toasted the bride and groom.

Woman: “Did you open the door for me because I am a lady?”
Man: “No, I did because I am a gentleman.”

Flight Attendant: “Would you like dinner?”
Passenger: “What are my choices?”
“Yes or no.”

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A widow.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up!

The good thing about having Alzheimer’s is that you get to meet new people every day.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off!

“Here- why are you trying to cross the road in this dangerous place? There’s a zebra crossing just a few yards up the road,” asked the policeman.

“I hope he’s having better luck than I am,” said the pedestrian.

Pam found an old family Bible in the attic. When she opened it, a large pressed leaf fell out. “Aha!” she said, “Adam must have left his clothes here.”

Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.

Teacher: “Maria, go to the map and find North America”.
Maria: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Correct. Now class, who discovered America?”
Class: “Maria.”

Two women dog owners, are arguing over which dog is smarter.

First woman: “My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.”

Second woman: “I know.2

First one: “How?”

Second one: “My dog told me.”

When visiting South Africa, Daniel the Englishman asked a South African “Why is it that some South Africans say ‘Ja’ (pronounced as “ya”) while others say ‘Yes’ if they both have the same meaning?”

“Clever people say ‘Yes’ while stupid people say ‘Ja’,” was the South African’s reply.

“So, are you clever?” asked Daniel.

“Ja,” replied the South African.

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink.

“Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand Pounds” said the man.

“That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me!”

“Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand Pounds.”

“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asked the bartender.

“This month – so far – not a Penny.”

A junior school teacher was asking pupils what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?”

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a postman.”

“Thank you, Amy,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day the teacher went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation?

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

by Philip Scott Johnson

Mary Pickford, Lillian Gish, Gloria Swanson, Marlene Dietrich, Norma Shearer, Ruth Chatterton, Jean Harlow, Katharine Hepburn, Carole Lombard, Bette Davis, Greta Garbo, Barbara Stanwyck, Vivien Leigh, Greer Garson, Hedy Lamarr, Rita Hayworth, Gene Tierney, Olivia de Havilland, Ingrid Bergman, Joan Crawford, Ginger Rogers, Loretta Young, Deborah Kerr, Judy Garland, Anne Baxter, Lauren Bacall, Susan Hayward, Ava Gardner, Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Lana Turner, Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Novak, Audrey Hepburn, Dorothy Dandridge, Shirley MacLaine, Natalie Wood, Rita Moreno, Janet Leigh, Brigitte Bardot, Sophia Loren, Ann Margret, Julie Andrews, Raquel Welch, Tuesday Weld, Jane Fonda, Julie Christie, Faye Dunaway, Catherine Deneuve, Jacqueline Bisset, Candice Bergen, Isabella Rossellini, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Jessica Lange, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sigourney Weaver, Kathleen Turner, Holly Hunter, Jodie Foster, Angela Bassett, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Salma Hayek, Sandra Bullock, Julianne Moore, Diane Lane, Nicole Kidman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry

Music: Bach’s Prelude from Suite for Solo Cello No. 1 in G Major, BWV 1007 performed by Yo-Yo Ma

Douglas Fairbanks Sr., Rudolph Valentino, Charlie Chaplin, James Cagney, Spencer Tracy, Fredric March, Errol Flynn, Fred Astaire, Clark Gable, Laurence Olivier, Gary Cooper, Humphrey Bogart, James Stewart, Tyrone Power, Cary Grant, Henry Fonda, Robert Mitchum, John Wayne, Kirk Douglas, Gene Kelly, Burt Lancaster, William Holden, Marlon Brando, James Dean, Rock Hudson, Montgomery Clift, Anthony Quinn, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Jack Lemmon, Sean Connery, Sidney Poitier, Charlton Heston, Steve McQueen, Peter O’Toole, Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman, Roy Scheider, Warren Beatty, Dennis Hopper, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro, Gene Hackman, Jon Voight, Harrison Ford, Kevin Kline, Kevin Costner, Michael Douglas, Christopher Walken, Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, John Travolta, Antonio Banderas, Tim Robbins, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Kevin Spacey, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, George Clooney

Music: Bach’s Allemande from Suite for Solo Cello No. 3 in C Major, BWV 1009 performed by Antonio Meneses

Admiral Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Captain Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her Duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledegook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal Opportunities Employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘ England ‘ past the Censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in History. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay.”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now and according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case… Kiss me, Hardy.”

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.”

DANCE OF 1000 HANDS

This is an awesome dance, called the Thousand-Hand Guan Yin, which is making the rounds across the net.

Considering the tight coordination required, their accomplishment is nothing short of amazing, even if they were not all deaf. All 21 of the dancers are deaf-mutes relying only on signals from trainers at the four corners of the stage.

We must all agree that these extraordinary dancers deliver a visual spectacle that is at once intricate and stirring.

Its first major international debut was in Athens at the closing ceremonies for the 2004 Paralympics, but it had long been in the repertoire of the Chinese Disabled People’s Performing Art Troupe and had travelled to more than 40 countries.

The lead dancer is 29 year old Tai Lihua, who has a BA from the Hubei Fine Arts Institute. The video was recorded in Beijing during the Spring Festival this year.

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

Freezer Bags are Male
They hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Photocopiers are Female
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are, however, an effective reproductive device, but can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

Tyres are Male
They go bald and they are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male
To go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there’s lots of hot air around them.

Sponges are Female
They’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female
It is always getting hit on.

Railway Stations are Male
They use the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female
Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male
It hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s still handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female
You thought they would be male, but consider this – They lead to giving a man pleasure, and he’d be lost without one. And while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps on trying.

A mid-level executive was frustrated at always being passed over for promotion year after yea. In frustration, he went to a brain-transplant specialist in the hope of raising his I.Q. by 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the brain surgeon confirmed that he would be an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the surgeon replied. “You will need an additional three ounces of brain and an ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand Euros. An ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand Euros; an ounce of a corporate chairman’s brain is twenty-five thousand Euros and an ounce of a politician’s brain is seventy-five thousand Euros.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the surgeon asked, “how many politicians we would have to find to collect a whole ounce of brain?”

Definitions

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee is entitled to 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday, unless you are employed to work on Saturday or Sunday in which case there is nothing personal.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, May 1 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no longer an excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the evening. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is completed.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse for non attendance, however, we require at least two weeks prior notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sandra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing £350 Prada sneakers and carrying a £600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

FINAL WORDS:
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice year.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they’ll call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Halfwit and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though the total bill is £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and noone will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale and it’s a bargain.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY
What a woman says:

C’mon…This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do the laundry now.

What a man hears:

C’MON . blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, NOW

I want a floating duck house,
I want to clear my moat,
I need to mend my tennis court,
That’s why I need your vote.

I have to build a portico,
My swimming pool needs mending,
My lovely plants need horse manure,
And the Aga needs much tending.

A chandelier is vital,
Mock Tudor boards are great,
My hanging baskets won awards,
And I’ve earned a tax rebate.

I need a glitter toilet seat.
My piano so needs tuning,
Maltesers help me stay awake,
And my orchard must need pruning.

I could have said the rules were wrong,
And often thought I should,
But somehow it was easier
To profit all I could

The public really have to see
That the rules are there to test,
And by defrauding taxpayers
We were just doing our best.

The Speaker of the House has gone,
Our sacrificial beast,
But the public are still braying
For our corpses at the feast.

What do the public want from us,
Those vote-wielding ingrates?
They really should be grateful
To be financing our estates.

The message is so very clear,
(we’re merely learning late)
That the British way of living well
Is to screw the bloody state.

I asked the specialist “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”

“One hundred percent.” I was so relieved!

“Medical records show that nine out of ten patients die of what you have and yours is the tenth case I’ve treated, the others all died.”

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others whose boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won’t be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions – because lions eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do now?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself – because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage – because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says, “What’s the food like here?”

The other lions say, “Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.”

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”

“Because I’m not a Liverpool fan” she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?”

“I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it” Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?”

“Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!”

“Well,”‘ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

“You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?”

“Then,” Mary smiled, “‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.”

—————————————————————–

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: “‘My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!’”

Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.

“Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s a Miracle.”

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, “Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.”

————————————————————–

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said “Hi, I’m looking for a job.”

The man behind the counter replied “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.

“You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year.”

The Scouser said “You’re bullshitting me!”

The man behind the counter said “Well you started it!”

————————————————————

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Problem: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Problem: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to gents’ room, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Problem: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Problem: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Problem: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you yet another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Problem: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Problem: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Problem: You have fallen forward through the door.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Problem: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender.